The Ditz and the Doctor
by Morgana Lovecraft
Summary: Read this if you like the Hannibal series. It is a hilarious parody of Clarice's country background, which left one of the biggest hannibal fans in existance(Morgana Lovecraft) rolling on the floor in laughter(not literally, ofcoarse). Enjoy! Please R&R.
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: Based on characters owned by Thomas Harris. We do not own these characters.  
  
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The Ditz And The Doctor

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Clarice Starling, the newst member of the FBI's trainee program, had been sent to run the obstical coarse because she was to dumb to do anything else. Jack Crawford, head of the FBI's behavioral science unit, looked out the window, and shook his head, as he was met with the sight of Clarice: eyes closed; her thumbs pulling out the buckles of her overalls, as she bebopped to her bluegrass music. _'It would be so much easier for her if she opened her eyes'_, he thought, as she tripped over one of the tires, getting up with a smile spread from ear to ear. "Moron."   
  
He turned back to his desk, and opened the current file. "Hm...the Dr. Lector case. Lets see... Brendon's on an assignment. Robinson's out on maturnaty leave. And Allen has a bullet in his head." He dropped the paper on his desk, and turned his head back to the girl, who seemed to be digging something out of her ear, as she ran into a near-by tree. "Oh my good god." he said "She is the only one left!"   
  
Clarice continued to run, until she heard a loud, booming voice breaking through the serenity of her music. The voice was calling her name. "Golly Gee." she said in her thick country accent, "Is that a ghost?" She turned around to see the obviously pissed off Captain Briggum standing with his arms folded at his chest. She walked over to him, with her music turned up full-blast, and asked, "What bug got up your anus, Capin' Briggum?"   
  
"Damn it, Starling, I've been calling you for the past ten minutes!"   
  
Pulling her headphone away from one ear, she asked "What'd ya' say?"   
  
Angrily, he tore the headphoes from her scalp, saying, "Crawford want's you in his office ASAP. Get your ass up there!"   
  
"Golly Gee, you don't have to yell, Capin' Briggum. I'm right here."   
  
"Just get out there!" he said as he shuved her.   
  
"Right away Capin'" she said, salluting.   
  
As she ran away, he made many obscene gestures. He cursed her, wishing her dead.   
  
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She sat in Crawfords office staring at his ham and cheese sandwhich. She was entranced by the sandwhich. She wanted it for her very own. Suddenly Crawford came in. He had been drinking. He could never handle talking to her sober.   
  
"Hello, Starling," he said monotonally.   
  
"Hey there, Mr. Crawford," she said, waving as a child would. "Can I have your sandwhich?"   
  
""Yeah sure."   
  
"Thanks!" she said as she greedily grabbed the sandwhich and began to eat it. "MMM this sure is good." Her mouth was full, and as she spoke a small piece of cheese landed on Crawfords eyelid. He angerly wiped the cheese from his brow and then began to pace the room.   
  
"Now Starling, " he said. "I have called you in here to talk to you about a very important assignment. I need you to go to the Baltimore State Hospital For The Criminally Insane and--"   
  
She quickily jumped up, still clutching the sandwhich in her hand, and yelled "Oh please Mr. Crawford, don't send me there! There are a bunch of looney-ticks in there! I don't want to go there! What Capin' Briggum said warent true! He had a bug up his anus. Send _him_ there, not me. Please--!"   
  
Crawford raised his index finger to silence her. In a irritated but calm voice, he said "Starling, sit your butt down right now. Your not going anywhere, so shut your trap."   
  
She slowly sat down, and began to munch on the sandwhich once again.   
  
"Now," he said "What I was going to say before was that I need you to go to talk to one of the patients."   
  
She looked up at him , her mouth again full of sandwhich. She said "Which one?"   
  
"The psychiatrist, Hannibal Lecter."   
  
"No, I don't want to go to see no crazy cannibal guy who's gonna' see me as deliious as this here ham sandwhich!"   
  
"Either you go...or I will kill you."   
  
Frightened, she swallowed the rest of her ham sandwhich, and staired at Crawford with blank eyes. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

  
  
Clarice Starling was led down a small stairwell by a very droopy looking (and very irritated) man named Dr. Fredrick Chilton. He took her to the barred entrance of the lock-down ward. As soon as she stood in front of the bars, he quickly went to make his exit.  
  
"Bye-bye Dr. Chilton. It was sure nice talking to you," she squealed as she weaved in her dopey way.   
  
He didn't even bother to look back. He just ran. _'God help the FBI.'_ he thought.   
  
She absentmindedly shrugged her shoulders. "Gee wiz, he musta' had to go potty real bad."  
  
She turned around and came face to face with one of the orderlies, a big, brawny black man named Barney.  
  
"Hi there, big fella," she said.  
  
"Hi," he replied. "I'm Barney.  
  
"No kidd'n, just like the dinosaur." She roughly grabbed his hand and shook it. "I'm Clarice Starling from the FBI."  
  
"Are you here to see Dr. Lecter?" he said, slowly taking his hand away.  
  
"Yesereebob," she answered whole heartedly. Barney pushed a button on the wall. As a loud buzzing sound commenced, the barred door opened. When the door was fully opened Carice took only a few steps toward the hallway, then stopped.  
  
"What's the matter, Miss Starling," Barney asked.  
  
Clarice bunched her face up. "It's scary in there. I don't want to go in there."  
  
"Now Miss Starling, you have to go in there. You have to follow your orders," Barney told her.  
  
Clarice stood at attention. "You're right, Mr. Dinosaur. I have to follow all of my orders as an agent of the FBI." She turned to him and gave him a solute. "Good bye, Mr. Dinosaur. It was nice talking to you." She quickly turned around and marched down the hall. Barney pressed the button and the barred door slammed shut. He shook his head. "Crazy Lady."  
  
She didn't get more than a few steps down the hallway when she stopped marching and wiped the stern look off her face and began to skip merrily down the hall. Her clunky shoes made a loud sound on the hallway, that alerted the inmates that were not too out of it to notice.  
  
She suddenly stopped and realized that she didn't know where she was going. She turned to one of the cells, and proceeded to speak to a man who was sluggishly slumped over his desk, half asleep.   
  
"Um, excuse me," she began. "Can you tell me where Doctor Lecter is?"  
  
The man picked his head up. Dribble was dripping down his face. "Hay, doc!" the man yelled. "There's a lady here to see you. She's real pretty, you lucky, sick Bastard." The man turned to Clarice, and he said in a calm voice "He's the last cell on the left. You can't miss it. It's the one that looks different." 


End file.
